Rob:  The cost of raising a child is increasing at a dramatic rate.  The latest estimates show a child born last year will cost parents about 200,000 dollars by their eighteenth birthday, money most all would agree is an investment in our future.  This week on HORIZON we begin by looking at some of the issues facing not just parents, but our entire country.  And we start with a growing trend in Oklahoma, grandparents raising their grandchildren.
Rob:  At age 49, Marion Attaway isn’t a typical college student.  Unlike her classmates at Langston University, when the school day ends a whole other life begins, as a single grandparent raising two grandchildren all by herself.
Rob:  Just home from school 12 year old Anthony wants to go fishing, with big sister Cara, and grandmother not far behind.
Marion:  I started raising them pretty much at birth.  When you attach yourself to your grandchildren like that.  Maybe, I don't know if it's okay to say, some people say it's not, you have the feeling, they feel like your own, because you start nurturing them. 
Rob:  With their mother in the military, Cara and Anthony’s upbringing often fell to their grandmother, a role their own mother new, Marion was just better at.
Marion:  She would always tell me, mom, I can't do it the way you do it.  I have to do it the way I know how to do it, but it seemed like the way she was doing it was not good enough for me.
Rob:  Creating a situation where Marion felt like it was time to step in, and not always to her daughter’s liking.
Marion:  Mind your own business.  Mind your own business.
Rob:  Something Marion’s motherly instincts wouldn’t let her do.
Marion:  I would not allow children at that age to stay out somewhere ‘til two or one in the morning.  I wouldn’t do that.  But she felt like they are together; they are responsible; they are old enough; they can do it, okay.  I would not, if there is a problem at school, or at home, they’re fighting amongst themselves, siblings, I wouldn’t slam my door and ignore the situation.  I would come in and try to teach them problem solving skills, things that it takes to… to cope with the world.
Rob:  After an afternoon of fun, Marion’s day is far from over, homework for Cara; a snack for Anthony; and dinner to prepare; a busy schedule for any parent, no matter their age.
Marion:  The energy is not inside of me to juggle like I want to.  So a lot of things I do not do, and a lot of times I have to just take a deep breath and just ask for strength.
Rob:  Yet despite the difficulties, Marion knows, she’s doing what she needs to do.
Marion:  I can't sit somewhere, I am eating filet mignon in a big beautiful home, and I'm thinking my grandchildren have nothing to eat, and they are all alone.  I can't do it.
Rob:  So she left her home in California.  And with it, her husband, who had no intention of raising more children.
Marion:  Because, he said he’s raised his children; he's done.  He doesn't want to raise anymore children.  He doesn't want to do it.  And that's where my heart has always been, with the kids, and that destroyed my marriage.  Not destroyed it, but I’m not going to say destroyed it, I just made a choice; and, he was not the first choice; the kids were. 
Rob:  Marion’s story is similar to that of many grandparents who find themselves having to alter their lives to better the lives of their grandchildren.  In Oklahoma alone, almost 40,000 grandparents are responsible for raising their children’s children.  And while it’s rough at times, Marion says that Anthony and Cara are worth every sacrifice.
Marion:  And I feel like, if they are not taken care of properly, something so precious, it's just like losing a diamond in the rough, just losing it in a whole bunch of sand, or in the ocean.  Because I feel like they would be lost, because they are, oh they’re awesome to me.  They are such brilliant little kids, and they've gone through so much.  And so if they can't live in a safe world; if they can't depend on somebody to keep them safe; then where would they go; what would they do?
Rob:  Anthony and Cara say while they do miss their mother, they are happy their grandmother was so willing to take care of them.
Cara:  My grandma. You have to get A’s and B’s and B pluses, no B minuses, no C minuses.  And oh God, bring a D in the house, or F; oh, she’d have a heart attack.
Rob:  Attention that, even through teenage eyes, is quite welcome.  And while Anthony and Cara say they prefer to live with their grandmother, they don’t have any hard feelings for their mother.
Cara:  She's like, because you know, Oklahoma is kind of the country, so she'll send us clothes from California and stuff, make sure our swag is still "high tech."
Rob:  But for everything else, it’s Marion who they depend upon. 
Cara:  I don’t know, it's different; I feel like with my mom, I'm with one of my friends, you know; but sometimes, you know, you want to have an older person around.
Rob:  Adjusting to a new parenting style, as well as a life in a much smaller city.  Marion says she feels at peace with the decision to raise them on her own, even though times aren’t always peaceful. 
(Marion:  They’re going to the park.  Where is the game going to be held?  
Anthony:  Langston.
Marion:  Okay.  And so they’re going up to the park, everybody meets up at the park.  And then when you meet up at the park, where are you going?
Rob:  But at the end of the day, she tries to do what is best for them, and like all parents, not second guess herself.
Marion:  Should I let him go, or should I hover over him?  No, I can’t.  He’s 12 years old.  He needs to go.  He needs to get out there, and experience life and friends, something that he has not done with his mom, or since he's been 12 years old.
Rob:  Making parenting just as hard the second time around.  Yet through it all, Marion wouldn’t trade a minute, or the two children she loves like her own.
Rob:  Chaz Kyser produced this piece and joins me now in our studio.  Well, Chaz, I know I found it surprising just how many grandparents are actually raising their grandchildren.
Chaz:  Well, I found it very surprising too, Rob.  In fact, Oklahoma ranks second per capita in the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren.  And of those, about 20 percent are living below the poverty line.
Rob:  Now, undoubtedly, while grandparents, like Marion, are happy to raise their grandchildren, it has to be really, really difficult.  Now I know you had the chance to talk to some grandparents in similar situations who attended a retreat.
Chaz:  Right, I sure did.  The retreat was coordinated by the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, and it’s basically designed to help strengthen the relationships of grandparents who find themselves caring for their grandkids.  As one could probably guess, having to raise kids all over again presents a number of challenges and it can be very stressful on a relationship.
Rob:  So when you say challenges; really, what are we talking about here?
Chaz:  Oh, there’s a bundle of them.  The grandparents are at risk for higher levels of depression and anxiety.  There is often a strain on finances.  And, there is a lot less couple time.  For example, the coordinator of the program, Tony Russell, told me that some of the couples said they had not had time to be alone together in years, and that can be very unhealthy. So, at the retreat, which was totally free, the couples were able to reconnect, in a way, while receiving strategies to help their marriages.
Rob:  It sounds like this retreat could really help some folks.  Where can people go to find out more about it?
Chaz:  Okay, well, the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative has a website, OkMarriage.net and there is a link to future retreats and workshops on the site.
Rob:  Well, nice story Chaz.  Thank you for very much.
Chaz:  Thank you.